I have had a year full of many blessings. Blessings you all know well of. A fiancée who loves and adores me, and I him. A man I feel so blessed to be able to marry, live my life with, and raise a family with. A new Godson, who has blessed all of our lives. A job that continues to challenge me and make me grow as a teacher. Family that is always honest and loving, even when I wish they weren’t. Friends that are there for me. Yet I feel like I have been going through an internal struggle at the same time. I know that God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams…but He hasn’t exactly made it easy…it’s not the smooth and easy path I thought it would be when I dreamt of my wedding as a high schooler (then thinking it would only be a few years away…not it is 10…but who’s counting?) I am confident in my decision, just like I am usually confident in myself and the decisions I make, because I don’t make them without much thought and prayer. Yet I do second guess myself, but it’s not my prayers or thoughts that make me second guess myself it’s my worry of what other are thinking. I don’t like to go to the gym because I am afraid someone is watching me and judging how I work out. I don’t like to go out with girls that have fashion sense because I am afraid they are judging my sales rack attempt at cute clothes. I don’t share stories and jokes sometimes because I am afraid people with think I am strange. I am afraid to let others read my papers for national boards because they will think I am a terrible writer. So you can imagine the anxiety attacks I had when I decided to go ahead with my marriage to Mike without the Church’s blessing…Oh what will people think? What would all of you think, my friends (I still haven’t gotten the courage to call Kevin), perfect strangers who are Catholic and don’t even know me…there opinion even mattered. But what I have learned through it all is that I have to stop letting what I think others are thinking dictate my life. My life which is full of so much love. I have never had these issues with Mike (I did try to hide my stomach issues at first…but hello that’s gross!) I have never worried what he thought of me, because well…he always thinks the best of me, and if not he tells me so. There is no guessing or wondering . And I know so many others do to, including all of you. So thanks to the blessing of having Mike in my life, and God challenging me in new ways I am continuing to grow and work on being a better self…which in turn I hope will make me a better wife, sister, and friend.
It is good to reflect..thanks mom…
(sorry for any typos..I didn't edit...if I did I would probably take stuff out that I shouldn't)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
A Reflection on Acceptance
I have struggled through some stuff the last few years. Some was painful, some was challenging, some was fun, and some was just whatever it was at that moment in time. Through it all, I struggled with accepting whatever was in front of me and the things from the past.
My difficulty with acceptance isn't just the big events or difficult events of life, it is the simple things. I don't accept a compliment; I don't accept a thankyou; I don't accept gifts; I don't accept friendships; and I don't accept love the way I should specifically God's love.
It isn't that I don't take these things, it is that I don't gratefully accept them with love. Not because I am not thankful for the compliments, gifts, love, friendship, but because I do not feel I am worthy of them or that I deserve them fully. Sure I may have gone out of my way to help a friend, but I expect that of myself, a thankyou is plenty and even then I'll brush it aside with a no big deal instead of "your welcome, I really enjoyed doing it for you", and I know I would feel better and so would the person offering thanks if I just learned to accept their thanks openly and graciously, so that is what I am trying to learn.
The same thing happens with a compliment, I worked hard to get in shape this year. Every day for 8 weeks I worked out for at least an hour, I could see and feel the improvements in my body and mind, but as soon as a friend complimented me I would completely brush it aside and point out a negative. Not only was I putting myself down but I was hurting my friends because they were trying to show me love through their words and I didn't accept it openly. I am working on this.
Accepting gifts is a real struggle for me. By nature I am not a gift giver I would rather give of myself, my services, my time, than go buy something for someone. It isn't that I don't enjoy giving it is that I don't enjoy giving things, giving myself is more personal and it is always from my heart. While I completely understand for others it is different, buying something for someone is from the heart for them it is done with as much love as I give in service and it brings them joy. So when I'm given a gift and I say you shouldn't have, or really I don't need it, or don't show true gratitude I am hurting the giver and not accepting their love. Having these things revealed to me in my spirit has really changed my outlook in the last month.
Friendships are the same way, I know my family loves me unconditionally, and at times I've believed they are all I really need. However, the reality of my life is that I have to create a support system over and over again in new communities and new states because that is the journey God has laid out before us. Graciously accepting friendship and trusting those friends has been anything but easy for me. I have struggled to make friends and keep friends because I don't always know how to accept that they need me as much as I need them. I have always believed I need them more than they need me, no matter who the friend has been. This year God has shown me much differently and my eyes have been opened to just how important it is to accept the love of a friend because they do need me as much and sometimes more than I need them.
In the grand scheme of life, I never really thought my lack of being able to accept the little things in life really mattered as long as it looked on the surface like I was handling and accepting the big things in life. I was wrong...because the biggest thing I haven't accepted unconditionally and with open arms is God's love for me and by not doing that I am not allowing myself to accept the love of His children for me in the simplest forms, compliments, thanks, and gifting.
I have always known God loves me, I've never doubted that He loves me, but I haven't and don't always feel that I deserve or am worthy of that love. Not that I don't believe it but I don't in the bottom of my heart fully accept his love because I'm not good enough for Him, or I have yelled too much at the kids, or I think negatively of others, or I don't pay attention during Mass, or a million other sins I've committed that make me less than perfect. But what I've come to see clearly the past few months is that while I'm way less than perfect, God doesn't expect perfection from me, however he does expect complete acceptance of His love for me because He gives it freely, His son died for me to receive forgiveness, and He wants me to be filled with His grace and love. He doesn't want me to say yes I accept it but I'm not good enough for it so it can only fill me up half way because I don't deserve to take all of it. I'm not to judge what I do and don't deserve that is only for God, and He loves me whether I deserve it or not.
The big realization I've had in putting together this letter hasn't been just the freedom to accept it all openly and with love; it has been that if I don't accept all aspects of life openly with love and graciousness than I am not being fair to God because I am not adequately living as His daughter. By not accepting His love completely, I am also not reflecting His love completely. When I don't graciously accept a gift, compliment or thanks I am not reflecting God's love to others I am reflecting my own self-doubt. That isn't what God wants from me and I no longer want that for myself. This reflection on acceptance has helped me immensely, God has spoken to me so much as I've prepared to write this. I hope it makes a little bit of sense and I want you all to know how much I love you all.
God Bless,
Bridget
My difficulty with acceptance isn't just the big events or difficult events of life, it is the simple things. I don't accept a compliment; I don't accept a thankyou; I don't accept gifts; I don't accept friendships; and I don't accept love the way I should specifically God's love.
It isn't that I don't take these things, it is that I don't gratefully accept them with love. Not because I am not thankful for the compliments, gifts, love, friendship, but because I do not feel I am worthy of them or that I deserve them fully. Sure I may have gone out of my way to help a friend, but I expect that of myself, a thankyou is plenty and even then I'll brush it aside with a no big deal instead of "your welcome, I really enjoyed doing it for you", and I know I would feel better and so would the person offering thanks if I just learned to accept their thanks openly and graciously, so that is what I am trying to learn.
The same thing happens with a compliment, I worked hard to get in shape this year. Every day for 8 weeks I worked out for at least an hour, I could see and feel the improvements in my body and mind, but as soon as a friend complimented me I would completely brush it aside and point out a negative. Not only was I putting myself down but I was hurting my friends because they were trying to show me love through their words and I didn't accept it openly. I am working on this.
Accepting gifts is a real struggle for me. By nature I am not a gift giver I would rather give of myself, my services, my time, than go buy something for someone. It isn't that I don't enjoy giving it is that I don't enjoy giving things, giving myself is more personal and it is always from my heart. While I completely understand for others it is different, buying something for someone is from the heart for them it is done with as much love as I give in service and it brings them joy. So when I'm given a gift and I say you shouldn't have, or really I don't need it, or don't show true gratitude I am hurting the giver and not accepting their love. Having these things revealed to me in my spirit has really changed my outlook in the last month.
Friendships are the same way, I know my family loves me unconditionally, and at times I've believed they are all I really need. However, the reality of my life is that I have to create a support system over and over again in new communities and new states because that is the journey God has laid out before us. Graciously accepting friendship and trusting those friends has been anything but easy for me. I have struggled to make friends and keep friends because I don't always know how to accept that they need me as much as I need them. I have always believed I need them more than they need me, no matter who the friend has been. This year God has shown me much differently and my eyes have been opened to just how important it is to accept the love of a friend because they do need me as much and sometimes more than I need them.
In the grand scheme of life, I never really thought my lack of being able to accept the little things in life really mattered as long as it looked on the surface like I was handling and accepting the big things in life. I was wrong...because the biggest thing I haven't accepted unconditionally and with open arms is God's love for me and by not doing that I am not allowing myself to accept the love of His children for me in the simplest forms, compliments, thanks, and gifting.
I have always known God loves me, I've never doubted that He loves me, but I haven't and don't always feel that I deserve or am worthy of that love. Not that I don't believe it but I don't in the bottom of my heart fully accept his love because I'm not good enough for Him, or I have yelled too much at the kids, or I think negatively of others, or I don't pay attention during Mass, or a million other sins I've committed that make me less than perfect. But what I've come to see clearly the past few months is that while I'm way less than perfect, God doesn't expect perfection from me, however he does expect complete acceptance of His love for me because He gives it freely, His son died for me to receive forgiveness, and He wants me to be filled with His grace and love. He doesn't want me to say yes I accept it but I'm not good enough for it so it can only fill me up half way because I don't deserve to take all of it. I'm not to judge what I do and don't deserve that is only for God, and He loves me whether I deserve it or not.
The big realization I've had in putting together this letter hasn't been just the freedom to accept it all openly and with love; it has been that if I don't accept all aspects of life openly with love and graciousness than I am not being fair to God because I am not adequately living as His daughter. By not accepting His love completely, I am also not reflecting His love completely. When I don't graciously accept a gift, compliment or thanks I am not reflecting God's love to others I am reflecting my own self-doubt. That isn't what God wants from me and I no longer want that for myself. This reflection on acceptance has helped me immensely, God has spoken to me so much as I've prepared to write this. I hope it makes a little bit of sense and I want you all to know how much I love you all.
God Bless,
Bridget
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Mom's Christmas Letter
It started with Mary, so humble and mild
With the heart of a woman and the faith of a child.
She rose above anything she might have feared
To answer, "Amen" when the angel appeared...
And on that first Christmas, in spite of the cold
A sweet newborn baby was all hers to hold
As strangers and shepherds, ignoring their sheep,
Watched while she rocked Little Jesus to sleep.
What joys we can know, what a miracle starts
When we, too, can say "yes" to God in our hearts.
I just love this because my thoughts for this Christmas season, what I thought about a lot during Advent, was saying yes to God.
Yes I will trust you with my job, yes, I finally trusted you with our house. Yes, I will let you guide my children ( boy is that a hard one) and yes, yes, yes to letting you lead me, not the secular world, not my doubts and fear and need to control, but You. I will say Amen - I believe.
Our priest gave us many good sermons but the best was to every night,
"Count your blessings"
"Count your successes"
and ask forgiveness for your sins.
You and your dad are my blessings
and at the end of the day, I may have a couple of successes at work or with my 1st grade religious ed, but you will always be my successes, thanks to God.
My sins, I will keep to myself and God, you know enough of them as it is.
The priest in Arizona also reminded me that as a mother I have 3 gifts.
To pray with all my heart
To love unconditionally with all my heart
and to consecrate each and everyone of you to the heart of Mary.
I know that my job is to pray and I consider myself a prayer warrior
and I love you unconditionally, but as I pointed out to Ryan once, it is a good thing God started you out as babies so I would love you so much before you grew up and made bad choices that drove me nuts and that leads to the 3rd. I Consecrated each and everyone of you to Mary when I realized I had messed up and she being the perfect Mother really needed to take over.
I am so blessed that my parents shared their faith with me and that you, my children, also share that faith.
God is good... and I say
"Amen"
With the heart of a woman and the faith of a child.
She rose above anything she might have feared
To answer, "Amen" when the angel appeared...
And on that first Christmas, in spite of the cold
A sweet newborn baby was all hers to hold
As strangers and shepherds, ignoring their sheep,
Watched while she rocked Little Jesus to sleep.
What joys we can know, what a miracle starts
When we, too, can say "yes" to God in our hearts.
I just love this because my thoughts for this Christmas season, what I thought about a lot during Advent, was saying yes to God.
Yes I will trust you with my job, yes, I finally trusted you with our house. Yes, I will let you guide my children ( boy is that a hard one) and yes, yes, yes to letting you lead me, not the secular world, not my doubts and fear and need to control, but You. I will say Amen - I believe.
Our priest gave us many good sermons but the best was to every night,
"Count your blessings"
"Count your successes"
and ask forgiveness for your sins.
You and your dad are my blessings
and at the end of the day, I may have a couple of successes at work or with my 1st grade religious ed, but you will always be my successes, thanks to God.
My sins, I will keep to myself and God, you know enough of them as it is.
The priest in Arizona also reminded me that as a mother I have 3 gifts.
To pray with all my heart
To love unconditionally with all my heart
and to consecrate each and everyone of you to the heart of Mary.
I know that my job is to pray and I consider myself a prayer warrior
and I love you unconditionally, but as I pointed out to Ryan once, it is a good thing God started you out as babies so I would love you so much before you grew up and made bad choices that drove me nuts and that leads to the 3rd. I Consecrated each and everyone of you to Mary when I realized I had messed up and she being the perfect Mother really needed to take over.
I am so blessed that my parents shared their faith with me and that you, my children, also share that faith.
God is good... and I say
"Amen"
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
S
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Life
Good morning my babies. Mothers Day is tomorrow and I will be in Sturgis, though Grandma Eagan does not know that yet. We are house hunting again. When we ask God for help He tends to flood the basement. We are going to look in a new area, not where we had planned to live, but maybe where He wants us. I have been reminded once more how He is always taking care of us, though we are thinking we want something else He knows what we need. The knowledge we learned from the disaster of my dream house has given us the tools to make a good decision about our second choice, one we really thought was best for Grandma. Now we move on. It may be we will not find today's jaunt to be productive, but I have been reading a lot about being humble, if you let God control you always have inner peace because He is the only perfect in an otherwise imperfect world. He has my back, and though He may still allow my path to be bumpy, if I keep my eyes toward heaven He will guide my feet down the path. I will only stub my toe when I try to guide myself and question His direction. Thank goodness He has given my your father and you to brighten my path and then sent 10 little saints to bring me even greater joy. Thank you my babies for staying close as a family even though you live all so very far away. I am so grateful He has kept you close to Him and I rest easy knowing that no matter what He leads you through, His goal is to bring you eventually home to His big, big, house, and we will all be together for eternity. You are all my Mothers Day gift, a gift that I cherish every day of the year.
Love
Love
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