A Reflection on Acceptance

I have struggled through some stuff the last few years. Some was painful, some was challenging, some was fun, and some was just whatever it was at that moment in time. Through it all, I struggled with accepting whatever was in front of me and the things from the past.
My difficulty with acceptance isn't just the big events or difficult events of life, it is the simple things. I don't accept a compliment; I don't accept a thankyou; I don't accept gifts; I don't accept friendships; and I don't accept love the way I should specifically God's love.
It isn't that I don't take these things, it is that I don't gratefully accept them with love. Not because I am not thankful for the compliments, gifts, love, friendship, but because I do not feel I am worthy of them or that I deserve them fully. Sure I may have gone out of my way to help a friend, but I expect that of myself, a thankyou is plenty and even then I'll brush it aside with a no big deal instead of "your welcome, I really enjoyed doing it for you", and I know I would feel better and so would the person offering thanks if I just learned to accept their thanks openly and graciously, so that is what I am trying to learn.
The same thing happens with a compliment, I worked hard to get in shape this year. Every day for 8 weeks I worked out for at least an hour, I could see and feel the improvements in my body and mind, but as soon as a friend complimented me I would completely brush it aside and point out a negative. Not only was I putting myself down but I was hurting my friends because they were trying to show me love through their words and I didn't accept it openly. I am working on this.
Accepting gifts is a real struggle for me. By nature I am not a gift giver I would rather give of myself, my services, my time, than go buy something for someone. It isn't that I don't enjoy giving it is that I don't enjoy giving things, giving myself is more personal and it is always from my heart. While I completely understand for others it is different, buying something for someone is from the heart for them it is done with as much love as I give in service and it brings them joy. So when I'm given a gift and I say you shouldn't have, or really I don't need it, or don't show true gratitude I am hurting the giver and not accepting their love. Having these things revealed to me in my spirit has really changed my outlook in the last month.
Friendships are the same way, I know my family loves me unconditionally, and at times I've believed they are all I really need. However, the reality of my life is that I have to create a support system over and over again in new communities and new states because that is the journey God has laid out before us. Graciously accepting friendship and trusting those friends has been anything but easy for me. I have struggled to make friends and keep friends because I don't always know how to accept that they need me as much as I need them. I have always believed I need them more than they need me, no matter who the friend has been. This year God has shown me much differently and my eyes have been opened to just how important it is to accept the love of a friend because they do need me as much and sometimes more than I need them.
In the grand scheme of life, I never really thought my lack of being able to accept the little things in life really mattered as long as it looked on the surface like I was handling and accepting the big things in life. I was wrong...because the biggest thing I haven't accepted unconditionally and with open arms is God's love for me and by not doing that I am not allowing myself to accept the love of His children for me in the simplest forms, compliments, thanks, and gifting.
I have always known God loves me, I've never doubted that He loves me, but I haven't and don't always feel that I deserve or am worthy of that love. Not that I don't believe it but I don't in the bottom of my heart fully accept his love because I'm not good enough for Him, or I have yelled too much at the kids, or I think negatively of others, or I don't pay attention during Mass, or a million other sins I've committed that make me less than perfect. But what I've come to see clearly the past few months is that while I'm way less than perfect, God doesn't expect perfection from me, however he does expect complete acceptance of His love for me because He gives it freely, His son died for me to receive forgiveness, and He wants me to be filled with His grace and love. He doesn't want me to say yes I accept it but I'm not good enough for it so it can only fill me up half way because I don't deserve to take all of it. I'm not to judge what I do and don't deserve that is only for God, and He loves me whether I deserve it or not.
The big realization I've had in putting together this letter hasn't been just the freedom to accept it all openly and with love; it has been that if I don't accept all aspects of life openly with love and graciousness than I am not being fair to God because I am not adequately living as His daughter. By not accepting His love completely, I am also not reflecting His love completely. When I don't graciously accept a gift, compliment or thanks I am not reflecting God's love to others I am reflecting my own self-doubt. That isn't what God wants from me and I no longer want that for myself. This reflection on acceptance has helped me immensely, God has spoken to me so much as I've prepared to write this. I hope it makes a little bit of sense and I want you all to know how much I love you all.

God Bless,
Bridget